Nothing Simple

Nothing is simple with my sweet t. Nothing. A "simple" surgery that hundreds of children have, has turned into a week that resembles his first.

I'm sitting here at 1am keeping an eye on t while he sleeps. I hardly get a sentence written without looking over to make sure he's breathing. Because of the scare we had the day he was born, I am so nervous. Every little change in how or what he's doing scares me - and I don't mean causes me concern, it scares me. He goes from one extreme to another so fast. One hour he's jabbering and playing a little. The next he's too hot, or too cold, swollen, then later in the day dark, set in eyes. I'm so afraid of missing some sign that we need to do more for him, I almost panic with each different thing. My emotions cannot handle much more.

You're not supposed to, you may say. Give it to the Lord. I am trying, truly I am. But in all honesty, right now my faith is pretty low. I'm ashamed to even say that but it is. Have I lost all faith in God? Absolutely not. Just things relating to t. I know so many people are praying for him and us, and I don't know how we'd survive without their intercession because I hardly know how to pray anymore without it just being "WHY GOD???? Why won't this just heal?! Why is his temperature so tedious?! Why won't he eat????!!!! Why can't I get it together and just trust You?! I know You love me. I know You love t. I know this is supposed to be "just a post op infection", but I HATE seeing him go through this being so tiny, and I'm so scared You're going to take him home. Is his whole life going to be like this? Will I have years to find out or only these few short months? I know there's no where I need to run but to You, but I don't even know what to say anymore. I know You watched Your Son suffer so much more than this. I know in my head that I'm supposed to count it all joy when various trials come because it's making me more like You, but it's a fine line right now. Do I only praise you when days are good, and I can pretend to control what happens? Lord, I want to trust You with t's life. And I think I do deep down. I'm just so afraid that I'll fail on my side of things. That I'll miss something we should have seen or done for him. I do not know where the balance is. Please show me, God. Lord, help my unbelief. Soon it will be time for J to get up and for me to try and sleep. Help me sleep, and help me have the strength to get up when I wake. Please give us the peace we need for the days and the nights. Please heal t. Please increase his appetite. Please help us see abundant improvement tomorrow! Please."