I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now, but just haven’t found the few minutes to do it. Right now, I’m blessed to have a little one playing quietly and 3 not so little ones playing with their dog outside. There is just something about watching boys play with a dog that makes you smile. I love those precious boys. They make even the crazy days worth it.
Life has been undeservedly good lately. I think that is partly due to the fact that we have just about all the answers we’ll ever get to what is going on with little T and partly because we have grown accustomed to this new normal. There is always that little tug on my heart that secretly and ever so slightly wishes that my 4 boys were all walking and eating regular food and able to sit on their own to play, but I suppose I’ve learned that the little tug will most likely be with me forever. The amazing thing is, although it brings with it a wistful sadness, it also serves as a constant reminder to be overwhelmingly thankful that I have my little T and his brothers to watch, and hold and hear every day. If the last year and a half has taught me anything it is to be thankful for each minute.
To people who do not have a special needs child, what I’m about to say may seem just ludicrous, but bear with me. Whether it makes sense or not, this is what I’ve been thinking about.
Sometimes I honestly feel sorry for people who do not have a special needs child. God has opened my eyes through T to things that I can hardly put into words. Simply put, he’s taught me to prioritize, realize that small problems really are small, big problems CAN be trusted with God, that each smile or sparkle in every person’s eye is a miracle and not to be taken for granted. Yes, I know that everyone who does not have a special needs person in their life can know these things, but I’m fairly certain that T has brought an immeasurable depth to it that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. He has brought joy to me in ways I never imagined. Let me explain.
The other day I was at Walmart enjoying a pedicure (yes we live in a small town…) and saw something I would have missed completely 2 years ago. As I sat there another lady was getting her nail repaired. Her (I assume) husband and grown son were with her. Her son was in a wheelchair and had obvious disabilities. The husband was taking him outside and as he did so the son slightly turned and, as much as he could, waved and smiled at his mother. It was a priceless moment that most miss because as soon as we see a disabled child we automatically stare for a second and then avoid eye contact. I know that is not out of rudeness, just the simple fact that we don’t know what to say or do. And rather than offend them by doing the wrong thing, we do nothing. T has taught me it’s ok to look at them. Even more than that, it’s ok to SEE them. To take that minute to discover who they are – to realize they ARE someone. Someone unlike anyone God has ever before or after created. A person who has likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows that are missed unless time is taken to know them.
I spent the first few months of T’s life screaming at God in anger over creating people with disabilities. How could He do that?! Why would He purposefully do that when He could make them “whole”?! Now I find myself drawn to them, wanting to talk to them and get to know who they are. What a selfish person I have been for 30 years. Only thinking of my comfort and happiness and trying my hardest to make life what I wanted it to be. Thank You, God, for shaking my world so hard that I crumbled and for picking up each tiny piece and putting me back together in a new way. It was and is worth it. I still don’t like some days. I don’t like that my almost 15 mo. old son can’t sit or see or walk or eat, and that I don’t know when he ever will. I don’t like that life isn’t as easy as it could be and once was. But it is worth it to see the amazing person God created in T develop and grow - ever so slowly. It is worth it because I am finally seeing the gift T’s “specialness” is. It is just like his cute little glasses. They aren’t always comfortable, but they enable him to see clearer. That is my T.
I wish everyone could experience this gift. I don’t want everyone to know the hard times or sorrow, but I do so wish everyone could know the amazing experience of seeing God’s creation through these “special glasses”. I have always had that soft little place in my heart for special needs children. Always thought they were sweet gifts, but never before saw the true brilliant beauty in them. I also never really saw the parents, specifically the mothers. Now I do. Just as those who have been in combat together have a special connection because no one else really knows what it is like, that’s the way I feel with other “special moms.” Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, you just smile and know someone else knows. You’re not alone. There are other moms out there who’s hearts are breaking with hurt and bursting with joy at the same time with the knowledge that their child isn’t like most.
I am thankful God created T just as He did physically and that his little fun-loving personality is emerging. I am thankful God created big T to be a black and white kind of kid, B to be soft hearted and helpful, and S to be the funniest person I’ve ever known. I’m thankful for the amazing joy and purpose they bring to my life.
It takes many different pieces sewn together to make up a quilt. A quilt can be seen as heavy and cumbersome or beautiful and useful. I pray I will see God’s gifts – all of them, not just my children – as beautiful and useful. I pray I will learn to more quickly see the “quilt” as more than just a lot of torn pieces, but as a beautiful work of art.
And on a silly note… Last night we had oven baked breaded fish. Something I bought thinking it’ll be an easy dinner. Well it was, but it was also lacking that nice fish flakiness. As we sat there and ate, S looked up and said, “This fish is weird!” LOL I couldn’t agree more!! Won’t be buying that again!
