Do I Trust You?

In the midst of watching sweet friends go though unspeakable heartache, I am once again faced with the question from my Savior, "Do you trust Me?" With the small things in life, yes. With the grand, wide open future, yes. With the ones who are more precious to me than my own life, ....... And He waits quietly for my answer. It seems I answered this question before. More than once. Why am I here again? Did I truly answer it or ignore it? As I've wrestled with it again over the last several days, I have decided I want to answer it once and for all. Why is it so hard, you ask? Fear. It's always been that thing satan could catch me with. :( Since I've dealt with small fears in life, I guess God gave him the go ahead to try something else. What a horrible thing for God to do?! No. God knows Who has already won this battle and it's not me. It's Who is inside me. God is just allowing this so that once again He can show satan Who is victorious in all things. In my fearful I've been scared of what trusting God would mean. It seems that each time I "answered" the things I feared got closer. This time it was too close. I was afraid that if I said yes I trust You, Lord, then He'd say good. Hang on to that because you're about to have that tested.... Right now, even as I type, I realize that it's not a circle I'm on. God is bringing me along a straight and narrow path to Him and these trials are being used by Him to help me to answer the question for good. What a faithful Father we have to teach and love and talk to us even when I'm so unlovely and push Him away. When I am thinking through things I tend to be an awful person to be around. I push God and people away until I get it figured out. Dumb I know, but God will continue to work that out of me. This morning He gently reminded me on my level - very low - that what I don't want to give Him is already His. It's like someone giving me something to borrow and instead of using it or enjoying it, I sit in a corner and just look at it dreading when the owner will come back for it. What a waste!!!! What a waste. The saying comes to mind that was penned by someone much wiser than I: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" (or something like that). My precious family is not mine at all. God has graciously allowed me to enjoy them for a time until I can see Him face to face. Either I can live in fear, or I can LIVE abundantly as the Lord intended. Do I trust You? YES. "Let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You, I will follow You." "I'd rather have Jesus than anything..." So, as hardships continue to come in life here on earth, I will be trusting God. I don't know if what I feared will occur tomorrow or in the next fifty years, or ever, but I must trust my Lord. He gave His own Son to give me the chance to have hope. I will not tell Him it was wasted. I love You, Lord. You are good all the time.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28