Yay! Summer break is here and I actually have time to update again! I've been thinking about a great many things lately, but I won't bore you with all of them.... Just a few. ;)
God has put on my heart to begin a ministry for Moms of special needs kids. There is so much we go through that no one else could ever understand and it would just be nice to visit and share with those who truly understand. That said, the "what" of what God wants me to do is the easy part. The "how" is about to drive me crazy. Rather than go into details I'm mulling over, the simple matter I'm wrestling with is this: Is it faith or impatience to just do before hearing clearly from God on the "how"?? Am I not hearing because I haven't taken that step of faith, or is He developing patience by allowing me to wait to hear the next step? I am at a complete loss. I know what I'm supposed to do, so should I just do it the way I think it should be done, the way the makes sense? Or do I wait to hear details? Ahhh!!!
Somewhat on the same page as that is the fact that I can't figure out my prayers life at all. I've been completely convicted that prayer is not asking God for things (I know we learn that even in preschool, but really... as adults don't we do that all the time?) My prayer life is the most fulfilling and joyful when I just talk with the Lord about everything going on, not ask Him for answers. But then I come up against the fact that we do have needs in this life, and there is no one on earth who can meet those other than the Lord so I must ask. But how do I ask without silently demanding answers? I have learned that God is not most glorified in answering our prayers (by that I mean the answer we're looking for - He always answers!) He gets just as much, maybe more, glory from someone saying, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GOD but I still love and trust you", as He does when someone says, "God answered this huge prayer of mine...!" Even in saying that though, I long for a few answers. I want to say that I neeeeed a few answers, but I know that if I really needed them now, then God would have already given them.
Maybe you're reading this saying, "Um hello? The answer is simple. Just trust! He will work it out..." I know that to be true, and you may think me horrible to say this, but my first honest reaction right now is, "Whatever!!!!! I'm sick of the right answer! I want the real answer!" I'm coming to the realization that what I think I need/want isn't want I need. Duh! I know. Just as a parent can't explain all the why's when a child needs painful medical attention to help them, God isn't giving me the answers to my why's right now. He's just doing what He knows is best. I read somewhere that just as it's much more enjoyable for a parent to give something fun to their child rather than something painful, it's the same for God. He's hurting with me as He's doing what is needed right now. He's longing to give me the "fun" blessings of life, but evidently right now that would be more of a hurt than a help in the long run.
I have no idea if anyone at all will read this, but I have to say I'm thankful for this blog even if it's just for me. Each time I pour it out on here it makes me really think things through to an end rather than a circle. It's strange but it's almost like my two way message system with God. As I type out my heart, He quietly calms me. Funny. He created me! He knows better than anyone that I'm better "on paper" than I am talking, and He uses that avenue to meet me. What an indescribable God we truly have!!
Well, after all this babbling I still don't have answers. But I do have more of a peace that whether it hurts or not, God IS at work in my life and I CAN trust that He knows what I need more than I do. There is no promise that the days ahead will get easier. They may even get harder. But there is the promise that my Savior is going with, behind, and before me the whole way. And that IS enough.
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Kiddo, I know how you feel - not EXACTLY the same circumstances, but I do know the frustration of not knowing. We (okay, I!) give God our problems, then before we can even get off our knees (whether literally or figuratively), we've taken them back again. I don't think we mean to do this consciously; it's just a human reaction. But God knows us better than we know ourselves - He knows our deepest fears, He sees our hidden tears, He hears every anxious sigh. He says "Follow me" - but have you ever noticed that nowhere in the New Testament (or the Old, for that matter) does God ever say "Follow me - here's where I'm going" complete with a Triple-A TripTik?? Nope, it's "Follow me." Short. Simple. We may not think we're going anywhere or that we're going around in circles, but as long as we're following God, we need to trust that HE knows the outcome, the result, the destination. Remember what Jesus said about putting your hand to the plow then looking back? He gives us seeds of potential ministries waiting to see, perhaps, if we'll entrust it back to Him.
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU, Kiddo, and am praying for you every day!
Aunt Brenda