So many sweet things happen everyday that I don't have time to share on here. I wish I did have time, but then again the sweet little people who make these moments precious keep me pretty busy!
S has been saying lately as he wraps his arms around me, "You're my sweet girl." I love it! It melts my heart every time.
The best thing that has happened lately is B became a Christian last week and was baptized last night! Highlights of my life. There is just nothing better than knowing your children love and trust the One who created them. I pray that faith holds strong through all the bumps life will bring.
As the boys were eating lunch they were discussing how Jesus talks to us when He's in our hearts. T said, "Jesus talks in peace." I absolutely love that. Such a pure truth from someone so young.
As I was thinking about that and about how proud I am of him for listening when God speaks those truths to him, I thought about how we as parents want our children to always make the right choices and say the right things in front of others because it's a reflection of us. Isn't that the case with our Heavenly Father? God is teaching and training us to do things that make others realize and say, "Yep, that's God's child right there! Acts just like Him!"
So thankful for these simple lessons God teaches me, and for these precious moments in life.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A Gift
I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now, but just haven’t found the few minutes to do it. Right now, I’m blessed to have a little one playing quietly and 3 not so little ones playing with their dog outside. There is just something about watching boys play with a dog that makes you smile. I love those precious boys. They make even the crazy days worth it.
Life has been undeservedly good lately. I think that is partly due to the fact that we have just about all the answers we’ll ever get to what is going on with little T and partly because we have grown accustomed to this new normal. There is always that little tug on my heart that secretly and ever so slightly wishes that my 4 boys were all walking and eating regular food and able to sit on their own to play, but I suppose I’ve learned that the little tug will most likely be with me forever. The amazing thing is, although it brings with it a wistful sadness, it also serves as a constant reminder to be overwhelmingly thankful that I have my little T and his brothers to watch, and hold and hear every day. If the last year and a half has taught me anything it is to be thankful for each minute.
To people who do not have a special needs child, what I’m about to say may seem just ludicrous, but bear with me. Whether it makes sense or not, this is what I’ve been thinking about.
Sometimes I honestly feel sorry for people who do not have a special needs child. God has opened my eyes through T to things that I can hardly put into words. Simply put, he’s taught me to prioritize, realize that small problems really are small, big problems CAN be trusted with God, that each smile or sparkle in every person’s eye is a miracle and not to be taken for granted. Yes, I know that everyone who does not have a special needs person in their life can know these things, but I’m fairly certain that T has brought an immeasurable depth to it that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. He has brought joy to me in ways I never imagined. Let me explain.
The other day I was at Walmart enjoying a pedicure (yes we live in a small town…) and saw something I would have missed completely 2 years ago. As I sat there another lady was getting her nail repaired. Her (I assume) husband and grown son were with her. Her son was in a wheelchair and had obvious disabilities. The husband was taking him outside and as he did so the son slightly turned and, as much as he could, waved and smiled at his mother. It was a priceless moment that most miss because as soon as we see a disabled child we automatically stare for a second and then avoid eye contact. I know that is not out of rudeness, just the simple fact that we don’t know what to say or do. And rather than offend them by doing the wrong thing, we do nothing. T has taught me it’s ok to look at them. Even more than that, it’s ok to SEE them. To take that minute to discover who they are – to realize they ARE someone. Someone unlike anyone God has ever before or after created. A person who has likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows that are missed unless time is taken to know them.
I spent the first few months of T’s life screaming at God in anger over creating people with disabilities. How could He do that?! Why would He purposefully do that when He could make them “whole”?! Now I find myself drawn to them, wanting to talk to them and get to know who they are. What a selfish person I have been for 30 years. Only thinking of my comfort and happiness and trying my hardest to make life what I wanted it to be. Thank You, God, for shaking my world so hard that I crumbled and for picking up each tiny piece and putting me back together in a new way. It was and is worth it. I still don’t like some days. I don’t like that my almost 15 mo. old son can’t sit or see or walk or eat, and that I don’t know when he ever will. I don’t like that life isn’t as easy as it could be and once was. But it is worth it to see the amazing person God created in T develop and grow - ever so slowly. It is worth it because I am finally seeing the gift T’s “specialness” is. It is just like his cute little glasses. They aren’t always comfortable, but they enable him to see clearer. That is my T.
I wish everyone could experience this gift. I don’t want everyone to know the hard times or sorrow, but I do so wish everyone could know the amazing experience of seeing God’s creation through these “special glasses”. I have always had that soft little place in my heart for special needs children. Always thought they were sweet gifts, but never before saw the true brilliant beauty in them. I also never really saw the parents, specifically the mothers. Now I do. Just as those who have been in combat together have a special connection because no one else really knows what it is like, that’s the way I feel with other “special moms.” Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, you just smile and know someone else knows. You’re not alone. There are other moms out there who’s hearts are breaking with hurt and bursting with joy at the same time with the knowledge that their child isn’t like most.
I am thankful God created T just as He did physically and that his little fun-loving personality is emerging. I am thankful God created big T to be a black and white kind of kid, B to be soft hearted and helpful, and S to be the funniest person I’ve ever known. I’m thankful for the amazing joy and purpose they bring to my life.
It takes many different pieces sewn together to make up a quilt. A quilt can be seen as heavy and cumbersome or beautiful and useful. I pray I will see God’s gifts – all of them, not just my children – as beautiful and useful. I pray I will learn to more quickly see the “quilt” as more than just a lot of torn pieces, but as a beautiful work of art.
And on a silly note… Last night we had oven baked breaded fish. Something I bought thinking it’ll be an easy dinner. Well it was, but it was also lacking that nice fish flakiness. As we sat there and ate, S looked up and said, “This fish is weird!” LOL I couldn’t agree more!! Won’t be buying that again!
Life has been undeservedly good lately. I think that is partly due to the fact that we have just about all the answers we’ll ever get to what is going on with little T and partly because we have grown accustomed to this new normal. There is always that little tug on my heart that secretly and ever so slightly wishes that my 4 boys were all walking and eating regular food and able to sit on their own to play, but I suppose I’ve learned that the little tug will most likely be with me forever. The amazing thing is, although it brings with it a wistful sadness, it also serves as a constant reminder to be overwhelmingly thankful that I have my little T and his brothers to watch, and hold and hear every day. If the last year and a half has taught me anything it is to be thankful for each minute.
To people who do not have a special needs child, what I’m about to say may seem just ludicrous, but bear with me. Whether it makes sense or not, this is what I’ve been thinking about.
Sometimes I honestly feel sorry for people who do not have a special needs child. God has opened my eyes through T to things that I can hardly put into words. Simply put, he’s taught me to prioritize, realize that small problems really are small, big problems CAN be trusted with God, that each smile or sparkle in every person’s eye is a miracle and not to be taken for granted. Yes, I know that everyone who does not have a special needs person in their life can know these things, but I’m fairly certain that T has brought an immeasurable depth to it that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. He has brought joy to me in ways I never imagined. Let me explain.
The other day I was at Walmart enjoying a pedicure (yes we live in a small town…) and saw something I would have missed completely 2 years ago. As I sat there another lady was getting her nail repaired. Her (I assume) husband and grown son were with her. Her son was in a wheelchair and had obvious disabilities. The husband was taking him outside and as he did so the son slightly turned and, as much as he could, waved and smiled at his mother. It was a priceless moment that most miss because as soon as we see a disabled child we automatically stare for a second and then avoid eye contact. I know that is not out of rudeness, just the simple fact that we don’t know what to say or do. And rather than offend them by doing the wrong thing, we do nothing. T has taught me it’s ok to look at them. Even more than that, it’s ok to SEE them. To take that minute to discover who they are – to realize they ARE someone. Someone unlike anyone God has ever before or after created. A person who has likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows that are missed unless time is taken to know them.
I spent the first few months of T’s life screaming at God in anger over creating people with disabilities. How could He do that?! Why would He purposefully do that when He could make them “whole”?! Now I find myself drawn to them, wanting to talk to them and get to know who they are. What a selfish person I have been for 30 years. Only thinking of my comfort and happiness and trying my hardest to make life what I wanted it to be. Thank You, God, for shaking my world so hard that I crumbled and for picking up each tiny piece and putting me back together in a new way. It was and is worth it. I still don’t like some days. I don’t like that my almost 15 mo. old son can’t sit or see or walk or eat, and that I don’t know when he ever will. I don’t like that life isn’t as easy as it could be and once was. But it is worth it to see the amazing person God created in T develop and grow - ever so slowly. It is worth it because I am finally seeing the gift T’s “specialness” is. It is just like his cute little glasses. They aren’t always comfortable, but they enable him to see clearer. That is my T.
I wish everyone could experience this gift. I don’t want everyone to know the hard times or sorrow, but I do so wish everyone could know the amazing experience of seeing God’s creation through these “special glasses”. I have always had that soft little place in my heart for special needs children. Always thought they were sweet gifts, but never before saw the true brilliant beauty in them. I also never really saw the parents, specifically the mothers. Now I do. Just as those who have been in combat together have a special connection because no one else really knows what it is like, that’s the way I feel with other “special moms.” Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, you just smile and know someone else knows. You’re not alone. There are other moms out there who’s hearts are breaking with hurt and bursting with joy at the same time with the knowledge that their child isn’t like most.
I am thankful God created T just as He did physically and that his little fun-loving personality is emerging. I am thankful God created big T to be a black and white kind of kid, B to be soft hearted and helpful, and S to be the funniest person I’ve ever known. I’m thankful for the amazing joy and purpose they bring to my life.
It takes many different pieces sewn together to make up a quilt. A quilt can be seen as heavy and cumbersome or beautiful and useful. I pray I will see God’s gifts – all of them, not just my children – as beautiful and useful. I pray I will learn to more quickly see the “quilt” as more than just a lot of torn pieces, but as a beautiful work of art.
And on a silly note… Last night we had oven baked breaded fish. Something I bought thinking it’ll be an easy dinner. Well it was, but it was also lacking that nice fish flakiness. As we sat there and ate, S looked up and said, “This fish is weird!” LOL I couldn’t agree more!! Won’t be buying that again!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So much to think about.... Am I thinking too much?
Yay! Summer break is here and I actually have time to update again! I've been thinking about a great many things lately, but I won't bore you with all of them.... Just a few. ;)
God has put on my heart to begin a ministry for Moms of special needs kids. There is so much we go through that no one else could ever understand and it would just be nice to visit and share with those who truly understand. That said, the "what" of what God wants me to do is the easy part. The "how" is about to drive me crazy. Rather than go into details I'm mulling over, the simple matter I'm wrestling with is this: Is it faith or impatience to just do before hearing clearly from God on the "how"?? Am I not hearing because I haven't taken that step of faith, or is He developing patience by allowing me to wait to hear the next step? I am at a complete loss. I know what I'm supposed to do, so should I just do it the way I think it should be done, the way the makes sense? Or do I wait to hear details? Ahhh!!!
Somewhat on the same page as that is the fact that I can't figure out my prayers life at all. I've been completely convicted that prayer is not asking God for things (I know we learn that even in preschool, but really... as adults don't we do that all the time?) My prayer life is the most fulfilling and joyful when I just talk with the Lord about everything going on, not ask Him for answers. But then I come up against the fact that we do have needs in this life, and there is no one on earth who can meet those other than the Lord so I must ask. But how do I ask without silently demanding answers? I have learned that God is not most glorified in answering our prayers (by that I mean the answer we're looking for - He always answers!) He gets just as much, maybe more, glory from someone saying, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GOD but I still love and trust you", as He does when someone says, "God answered this huge prayer of mine...!" Even in saying that though, I long for a few answers. I want to say that I neeeeed a few answers, but I know that if I really needed them now, then God would have already given them.
Maybe you're reading this saying, "Um hello? The answer is simple. Just trust! He will work it out..." I know that to be true, and you may think me horrible to say this, but my first honest reaction right now is, "Whatever!!!!! I'm sick of the right answer! I want the real answer!" I'm coming to the realization that what I think I need/want isn't want I need. Duh! I know. Just as a parent can't explain all the why's when a child needs painful medical attention to help them, God isn't giving me the answers to my why's right now. He's just doing what He knows is best. I read somewhere that just as it's much more enjoyable for a parent to give something fun to their child rather than something painful, it's the same for God. He's hurting with me as He's doing what is needed right now. He's longing to give me the "fun" blessings of life, but evidently right now that would be more of a hurt than a help in the long run.
I have no idea if anyone at all will read this, but I have to say I'm thankful for this blog even if it's just for me. Each time I pour it out on here it makes me really think things through to an end rather than a circle. It's strange but it's almost like my two way message system with God. As I type out my heart, He quietly calms me. Funny. He created me! He knows better than anyone that I'm better "on paper" than I am talking, and He uses that avenue to meet me. What an indescribable God we truly have!!
Well, after all this babbling I still don't have answers. But I do have more of a peace that whether it hurts or not, God IS at work in my life and I CAN trust that He knows what I need more than I do. There is no promise that the days ahead will get easier. They may even get harder. But there is the promise that my Savior is going with, behind, and before me the whole way. And that IS enough.
God has put on my heart to begin a ministry for Moms of special needs kids. There is so much we go through that no one else could ever understand and it would just be nice to visit and share with those who truly understand. That said, the "what" of what God wants me to do is the easy part. The "how" is about to drive me crazy. Rather than go into details I'm mulling over, the simple matter I'm wrestling with is this: Is it faith or impatience to just do before hearing clearly from God on the "how"?? Am I not hearing because I haven't taken that step of faith, or is He developing patience by allowing me to wait to hear the next step? I am at a complete loss. I know what I'm supposed to do, so should I just do it the way I think it should be done, the way the makes sense? Or do I wait to hear details? Ahhh!!!
Somewhat on the same page as that is the fact that I can't figure out my prayers life at all. I've been completely convicted that prayer is not asking God for things (I know we learn that even in preschool, but really... as adults don't we do that all the time?) My prayer life is the most fulfilling and joyful when I just talk with the Lord about everything going on, not ask Him for answers. But then I come up against the fact that we do have needs in this life, and there is no one on earth who can meet those other than the Lord so I must ask. But how do I ask without silently demanding answers? I have learned that God is not most glorified in answering our prayers (by that I mean the answer we're looking for - He always answers!) He gets just as much, maybe more, glory from someone saying, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GOD but I still love and trust you", as He does when someone says, "God answered this huge prayer of mine...!" Even in saying that though, I long for a few answers. I want to say that I neeeeed a few answers, but I know that if I really needed them now, then God would have already given them.
Maybe you're reading this saying, "Um hello? The answer is simple. Just trust! He will work it out..." I know that to be true, and you may think me horrible to say this, but my first honest reaction right now is, "Whatever!!!!! I'm sick of the right answer! I want the real answer!" I'm coming to the realization that what I think I need/want isn't want I need. Duh! I know. Just as a parent can't explain all the why's when a child needs painful medical attention to help them, God isn't giving me the answers to my why's right now. He's just doing what He knows is best. I read somewhere that just as it's much more enjoyable for a parent to give something fun to their child rather than something painful, it's the same for God. He's hurting with me as He's doing what is needed right now. He's longing to give me the "fun" blessings of life, but evidently right now that would be more of a hurt than a help in the long run.
I have no idea if anyone at all will read this, but I have to say I'm thankful for this blog even if it's just for me. Each time I pour it out on here it makes me really think things through to an end rather than a circle. It's strange but it's almost like my two way message system with God. As I type out my heart, He quietly calms me. Funny. He created me! He knows better than anyone that I'm better "on paper" than I am talking, and He uses that avenue to meet me. What an indescribable God we truly have!!
Well, after all this babbling I still don't have answers. But I do have more of a peace that whether it hurts or not, God IS at work in my life and I CAN trust that He knows what I need more than I do. There is no promise that the days ahead will get easier. They may even get harder. But there is the promise that my Savior is going with, behind, and before me the whole way. And that IS enough.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Do I Trust You?
In the midst of watching sweet friends go though unspeakable heartache, I am once again faced with the question from my Savior, "Do you trust Me?" With the small things in life, yes. With the grand, wide open future, yes. With the ones who are more precious to me than my own life, ....... And He waits quietly for my answer. It seems I answered this question before. More than once. Why am I here again? Did I truly answer it or ignore it? As I've wrestled with it again over the last several days, I have decided I want to answer it once and for all. Why is it so hard, you ask? Fear. It's always been that thing satan could catch me with. :( Since I've dealt with small fears in life, I guess God gave him the go ahead to try something else. What a horrible thing for God to do?! No. God knows Who has already won this battle and it's not me. It's Who is inside me. God is just allowing this so that once again He can show satan Who is victorious in all things. In my fearful I've been scared of what trusting God would mean. It seems that each time I "answered" the things I feared got closer. This time it was too close. I was afraid that if I said yes I trust You, Lord, then He'd say good. Hang on to that because you're about to have that tested.... Right now, even as I type, I realize that it's not a circle I'm on. God is bringing me along a straight and narrow path to Him and these trials are being used by Him to help me to answer the question for good. What a faithful Father we have to teach and love and talk to us even when I'm so unlovely and push Him away. When I am thinking through things I tend to be an awful person to be around. I push God and people away until I get it figured out. Dumb I know, but God will continue to work that out of me. This morning He gently reminded me on my level - very low - that what I don't want to give Him is already His. It's like someone giving me something to borrow and instead of using it or enjoying it, I sit in a corner and just look at it dreading when the owner will come back for it. What a waste!!!! What a waste. The saying comes to mind that was penned by someone much wiser than I: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" (or something like that). My precious family is not mine at all. God has graciously allowed me to enjoy them for a time until I can see Him face to face. Either I can live in fear, or I can LIVE abundantly as the Lord intended. Do I trust You? YES. "Let the waters rise if You want them to, I will follow You, I will follow You." "I'd rather have Jesus than anything..." So, as hardships continue to come in life here on earth, I will be trusting God. I don't know if what I feared will occur tomorrow or in the next fifty years, or ever, but I must trust my Lord. He gave His own Son to give me the chance to have hope. I will not tell Him it was wasted. I love You, Lord. You are good all the time.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Just Feel Like Somethin' Good Is About To Happen...
Remember that old song? That's how I feel today! Such an interesting feeling. I have no idea what's around the corner, but I'm excited about it! Earlier this week I received an unexpected email from someone and they said that while thinking about me these verses came to mind - Ephesians 3:14-21. Yesterday was an interesting day as well, almost like God was preparing me for something coming. Then this morning someone posted on my fb the very same verses. Not an accident! God knows just what He's doing and I'm anxiously awaiting it!
All week I've been thinking over Moses standing with the Red Sea in front of him and an army looking to destroy him behind. God hasn't let that image leave my mind. Of course, now we know the outcome of that story, but Moses didn't. I wonder what he thought and felt in those moments. Excitement, dread, panic, fear, peace, patience?? For some reason it is as though God is saying, "Watch this! I'm going to do something so amazing and unexpected! It's going to be great!"
What that is in my life, I have no idea. Is God about to do something with Todd, with the house on the market, with the ministry He has placed on my heart, with my family, with something that isn't even on my radar??? I don't know, but I'm looking for it! Will it come today, tomorrow, next month, this year? Still don't know. But God does. So often lately I have heard people say they wish they could know what the future holds. I have learned to be happy not knowing. God has taught me that I can barely handle things when they do come, much less thinking about them beforehand! I don't know what God is up to, but I am so glad to know that He IS at work even when I can't see it. What a wonderful, loving Father we have to give us what we need and even a surprise or two now and then!
All week I've been thinking over Moses standing with the Red Sea in front of him and an army looking to destroy him behind. God hasn't let that image leave my mind. Of course, now we know the outcome of that story, but Moses didn't. I wonder what he thought and felt in those moments. Excitement, dread, panic, fear, peace, patience?? For some reason it is as though God is saying, "Watch this! I'm going to do something so amazing and unexpected! It's going to be great!"
What that is in my life, I have no idea. Is God about to do something with Todd, with the house on the market, with the ministry He has placed on my heart, with my family, with something that isn't even on my radar??? I don't know, but I'm looking for it! Will it come today, tomorrow, next month, this year? Still don't know. But God does. So often lately I have heard people say they wish they could know what the future holds. I have learned to be happy not knowing. God has taught me that I can barely handle things when they do come, much less thinking about them beforehand! I don't know what God is up to, but I am so glad to know that He IS at work even when I can't see it. What a wonderful, loving Father we have to give us what we need and even a surprise or two now and then!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Nothing Simple
Nothing is simple with my sweet t. Nothing. A "simple" surgery that hundreds of children have, has turned into a week that resembles his first.
I'm sitting here at 1am keeping an eye on t while he sleeps. I hardly get a sentence written without looking over to make sure he's breathing. Because of the scare we had the day he was born, I am so nervous. Every little change in how or what he's doing scares me - and I don't mean causes me concern, it scares me. He goes from one extreme to another so fast. One hour he's jabbering and playing a little. The next he's too hot, or too cold, swollen, then later in the day dark, set in eyes. I'm so afraid of missing some sign that we need to do more for him, I almost panic with each different thing. My emotions cannot handle much more.
You're not supposed to, you may say. Give it to the Lord. I am trying, truly I am. But in all honesty, right now my faith is pretty low. I'm ashamed to even say that but it is. Have I lost all faith in God? Absolutely not. Just things relating to t. I know so many people are praying for him and us, and I don't know how we'd survive without their intercession because I hardly know how to pray anymore without it just being "WHY GOD???? Why won't this just heal?! Why is his temperature so tedious?! Why won't he eat????!!!! Why can't I get it together and just trust You?! I know You love me. I know You love t. I know this is supposed to be "just a post op infection", but I HATE seeing him go through this being so tiny, and I'm so scared You're going to take him home. Is his whole life going to be like this? Will I have years to find out or only these few short months? I know there's no where I need to run but to You, but I don't even know what to say anymore. I know You watched Your Son suffer so much more than this. I know in my head that I'm supposed to count it all joy when various trials come because it's making me more like You, but it's a fine line right now. Do I only praise you when days are good, and I can pretend to control what happens? Lord, I want to trust You with t's life. And I think I do deep down. I'm just so afraid that I'll fail on my side of things. That I'll miss something we should have seen or done for him. I do not know where the balance is. Please show me, God. Lord, help my unbelief. Soon it will be time for J to get up and for me to try and sleep. Help me sleep, and help me have the strength to get up when I wake. Please give us the peace we need for the days and the nights. Please heal t. Please increase his appetite. Please help us see abundant improvement tomorrow! Please."
I'm sitting here at 1am keeping an eye on t while he sleeps. I hardly get a sentence written without looking over to make sure he's breathing. Because of the scare we had the day he was born, I am so nervous. Every little change in how or what he's doing scares me - and I don't mean causes me concern, it scares me. He goes from one extreme to another so fast. One hour he's jabbering and playing a little. The next he's too hot, or too cold, swollen, then later in the day dark, set in eyes. I'm so afraid of missing some sign that we need to do more for him, I almost panic with each different thing. My emotions cannot handle much more.
You're not supposed to, you may say. Give it to the Lord. I am trying, truly I am. But in all honesty, right now my faith is pretty low. I'm ashamed to even say that but it is. Have I lost all faith in God? Absolutely not. Just things relating to t. I know so many people are praying for him and us, and I don't know how we'd survive without their intercession because I hardly know how to pray anymore without it just being "WHY GOD???? Why won't this just heal?! Why is his temperature so tedious?! Why won't he eat????!!!! Why can't I get it together and just trust You?! I know You love me. I know You love t. I know this is supposed to be "just a post op infection", but I HATE seeing him go through this being so tiny, and I'm so scared You're going to take him home. Is his whole life going to be like this? Will I have years to find out or only these few short months? I know there's no where I need to run but to You, but I don't even know what to say anymore. I know You watched Your Son suffer so much more than this. I know in my head that I'm supposed to count it all joy when various trials come because it's making me more like You, but it's a fine line right now. Do I only praise you when days are good, and I can pretend to control what happens? Lord, I want to trust You with t's life. And I think I do deep down. I'm just so afraid that I'll fail on my side of things. That I'll miss something we should have seen or done for him. I do not know where the balance is. Please show me, God. Lord, help my unbelief. Soon it will be time for J to get up and for me to try and sleep. Help me sleep, and help me have the strength to get up when I wake. Please give us the peace we need for the days and the nights. Please heal t. Please increase his appetite. Please help us see abundant improvement tomorrow! Please."
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
That Feeling...
With the new year approaching I'm getting that feeling again in the pit of my stomach. The one I've enjoyed ignoring for a couple of months. The one that tells me more appointments and even procedures for t are coming so soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm so very thankful that our issues this year with him have been so minor compared to what we expected, but it still doesn't make it easier. I guess I'm nervous that in the midst of going to appointments to take care of what we know, more will be discovered. Those first few months of seemingly not going a week without some other major thing coming to the surface is still a little too fresh in my mind. Just when I thought things were ok, something else came up. Will this next year be as simple as having a few procedures/surgeries and then life will be "normal" for a few years? Part of me is afraid to hope. Even though God continually reminds me of all He did this year and that each thing that came up was an opportunity for Him to show His power. I know everything will be fine, but I'm so afraid that everything won't be fine, ya know? I love my t so much and I'm so thankful for the way God made him, but honestly it is still a struggle to see how babies younger than him are so much more advanced. It's not bad, just different. I don't mind caring for him at all, he really is a very easy, happy kiddo, but I just worry about him when he realizes those differences, or his friends do. I know, TOTALLY borrowing trouble from tomorrow and God will give us the grace when that time comes. But these are things that go through my mind and sometimes it's good to get it out.
So as this new year arrives I'll work on trusting the Lord in the midst of the apprehension and looking for the ways He'll show His power and love through each day. And while I'm at it, I want to thank each and everyone who may see this for praying for t and for us. There is no doubt in my mind that God has blessed us so greatly because of such loving, dedicated prayer warriors. Thanks for fighting (praying) for and with us! God has already won the battle, but isn't it amazing that He invites us to take an active roll in it and see Him do it?!! God bless you in 2010!
So as this new year arrives I'll work on trusting the Lord in the midst of the apprehension and looking for the ways He'll show His power and love through each day. And while I'm at it, I want to thank each and everyone who may see this for praying for t and for us. There is no doubt in my mind that God has blessed us so greatly because of such loving, dedicated prayer warriors. Thanks for fighting (praying) for and with us! God has already won the battle, but isn't it amazing that He invites us to take an active roll in it and see Him do it?!! God bless you in 2010!
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