So much to say, I don’t even know where to begin. Sometimes a week, or even a day will take you where you never expected to go. In hindsight I can’t say I’d want to go there again. In fact, I pray I never have to. But, as God has proven before, I’m sure there is an unseen purpose in it all. Though, with this one I don’t think I’m going to see it this side of heaven.
That being said, I do want to proclaim how faithful God is when life flies at us faster than we can blink. This particular story of God’s faithfulness began early one Friday morning. Well, actually on Monday. Our three older boys came down with the flu early in the week and were pitifully sick. High fevers and just feeling “yucky”. T came down with the same symptoms on Wednesday but, just like his brothers, he just seemed to be tired and feeling unwell. I hate seeing my babies sick, even with something minor, so having them all sick at once was especially hard.
By Friday morning all the boys were in the middle of it. Fevers up and down, feeling good one minute, and bad the next. However, T took a drastically different turn. He began having horrible dirty diapers every few minutes and vomiting. By noon he looked awful. Dark, sunken eyes and weak as can be, but he would not sleep. J took him to a doctor. They confirmed that he did have the flu and gave him Rx’s and a checklist of things to watch for. We tried the medicine but the sickness continued – constantly. There was one hour when I finally rocked him to sleep and I thought this was the rest he needed and then we’d try the medicine and feeding him again when he woke up. When we laid him down to change him though, he was losing color and very lethargic. We immediately rushed him to the ER.
It is amazing the grace God pours out at the exact time you need it. I tend to panic in times like these, but once this roller coaster started in motion there was enough grace and peace to see things clearly and competently. It did not take the pain away, but if my Lord had to suffer the pain He did, why should I think I deserve any different? In the hours that followed the pain was almost unbearable, but the peace was just as abundant. Sounds ridiculous, but for those who have experienced it, you know what I mean.
J is the one who took T to the ER. It is only a five minute drive, but it was not an easy trip by any stretch of the imagination. T was so bad when he got there that another family who also had a baby, told the staff to take T first and get him taken care of. As soon as my sister came to watch the older boys I followed. As I went down the hall to where several doctors and nurses were working with T and saw that he was intubated, I knew this was not going to be a day or two visit to rehydrate him. His sweet little body couldn’t take the sickness that had so swiftly taken over. I was realizing that I could lose my sweet T. My heart literally hurt so much I had to tell myself to take each breath.
J and I were a few feet from T watching all that was going on and all I could think was, “He’s not done yet! He’s just not done yet! God is not done working through T!!!” It wasn’t a plea, it was a feeling inside of me that was certain. This just didn’t make sense. I knew the reality was that God could continue to use his life no matter how long or short. I have seen it before; sweet little ones who still have an impact on me, though they are with the Lord at this very moment. I knew God would give grace for whatever happened, but there was that “something” that kept giving me hope. All I can attribute that to is the Holy Spirit interceding for us.
In the next several minutes I heard all sorts of words flying through the air… oxygen, ventilator, medicines, numbers, mediflight to OKC…….. mediflight?? Ohhhhhkaaaay. “Lord, I never expected that to be said in reference to my child, but ok. If that’s how you want to do this, ok.” They got T somewhat stable and ready to go and soon the team was taking him out to the helicopter. We were not allowed to go with them because there wasn’t room, so as we walked back out the cars I saw them getting T on the chopper. By this point, I was either numb with shock or completely covered in grace. I absolutely think it was the latter. We went back home to get the boys ready to go to my parents’ house and grab a few things. When I walked in, my sister and the boys said they just heard T fly over and prayed for him. Then it hit me. Oh my word, that’s MY baby!!! I must say, my prayers for those needing that service and their families are now much more focused and sincere.
The long drive up to the hospital where T was going was not what I expected. J & I were surprisingly calm. Again, I know that was many, many prayers and abundant grace. I have to say here, that God has blessed me so much with the husband He gave me. He knew I needed someone who is so wonderfully loving, yet a pillar of strength to lean on in these rough times. I thank God for giving J the strength to be strong for both of us.
My parents arrived at the hospital before we did and were there with T when we found his icu room. There were also dear friends from church waiting as well. What in the world we’d do without precious family and our church family, I do not know. They all kept us going each and every day more than they will ever know.
The doctors and nurses in OKC worked for several more hours to stabilize T. I couldn’t say whether the rest of the night went by fast or slowly. Some minutes flew and others felt like an hour. The next several days however, were anything but fast moving. The days and night continued to pass, but each one felt like a week. I hated seeing T like that. So weak and fragile. I hated that I couldn’t be with my older boys and take care of them when they were still sick. I hated that everything happened so fast and it was all so unexpected for everyone. I have no doubt that God gave T, B & S grace for what they went through too, being suddenly rushed here and there. Although, something tells me spending a whole week with grandparents and their Aunt was not all that bad for them. It ripped my heart out though, each day to have to say goodbye to one child to see the others and vice versa. I just can’t imagine how others do it for much longer periods of time than we had to.
It was discovered that T had Rotavirus in addition to the flu. Because it hit so fast and T is so little, it just wiped his system out. He dehydrated so quickly that his sodium levels skyrocketed and there was danger in bringing them down too fast for fear of brain swelling. We found this out just about the time T finally started sleeping again. Needless to say hearing that and watching T sleep for the next 36-48 hours was not comforting. But seeing him gradually wake up and want his musical light toys showed us he was going to be just fine. A few more days passed and he began to talk. What a sweet sound that was! Especially hearing him ask for the “oys” (boys). His body continued to gain strength, and as soon as T could begin holding down enough fluid on his own, they released him. As we left that day I almost felt like we were escaping – quick, run, don’t look back!! Part of me wanted to forget it all as fast as I could and the other part of me knows I never want to forget a minute of it. God displayed his power, love, mercy, and grace through each and every detail and to forget the heartache would be to forget the peace that accompanied it.
The first couple of days home were still a struggle getting T to eat, or should I say drink since he still detests anything with texture. The virus so messed up his stomach that he hated eating. Can’t blame him, but on the other hand he HAD to eat! Prayer by prayer he began to take more and more. Today he was hungry and wanted to eat each time he needed to. Praise the Lord!!!!!!!
The most profound moment in the last couple of weeks came after we were home. J had gone back to work. Big T, B & S were in the other room playing, and I was sitting on the floor with T just enjoying the fact that he was home and on the mend. We were playing with his favorite toy and reciting names – he loves names. I’d say “Daddy” and he’d repeat it. “Mommy”, “T”, and so on. My heart overflowed with thankfulness and I said, “Jesus. Thank You, Jesus! Can you say ‘Jesus’?” I had been close enough to T that he was looking at my face as we talked, but when I said this he looked past me up to the ceiling and smiled a smile I could never describe in a million years. It was a smile I’d never seen before. He looked up with that smile for a second and then said in a sweet, tiny voice, “Byeee!” Then he looked back at me with his normal happy face. I froze, looking at him in disbelief. Did he really just say that? So I asked him again, “Can you say ‘Jesus’?” I watched him do the exact same thing again. My gaze changed from disbelief to awe and yes, a little bit of jealousy. Wow, sweet boy! You’ve seen clearer than I ever have, a face that I long to see. I wondered in that moment if the Lord had told T the same thing I had been thinking all those days before. “Sorry buddy, but we’re not done yet! I still have so much more I want to do in and through your life on earth. Keep on reminding your family how precious life is and how beautiful God’s plans are, no matter how hard the road gets. And remember, little boy… I LOVE YOU.”
Big T told me the day after T came home that he thought T was different since he got out of the hospital. I asked him what he meant and he said, “He smiles a whole lot more.” Yet another lesson for me taught through my children. Times of suffering are hard, sometimes excruciating. Yet somehow on the other side of them there are joys we never imagined!
The last time T went though medical difficulties I was fighting God, and fighting hard. God was faithful then to hold onto me just as He promised. I must say, as tough as this ordeal was, it was much easier not fighting the One Who lovingly carried me through it. My Lord continues to prove Himself faithful. He is Love. He never changes. And His grace abounds all the more! God is great, and greatly to be praised!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Just Thankful
I was reminded last night at T4G how powerful it is to let Christ's joy shine no matter what is going on. There are things going on in life that are frustrating, but I can't help but make a list of all the things I'm thankful for. So here goes... :)
My husband and boys who are an absolute dream come true. Each one is more precious than I ever imagined.
A house that is far above what I deserve, and the creativity (straight from God because I have none!) to make it "new" again.
The fact that t is still on the small side since we are going to be in this 2 story house a bit longer. If he was the size S was I'd go crazy lugging him up and down those stairs! If I had a choice I'd rather him grow faster, of course, but I'm looking for some silver lining to these clouds.
Hearing t learn new words almost everyday! He's slow with some things, but man God sure has given him amazing music and verbal ability! Today he knows and says his name when you ask him. This is right after the adorable "Hey dude" and "I know". :)
Going next week for t's evaluation for free in home therapy. So thankful and excited to see what progress awaits!
The privilege and joy of teaching T & B. Oh my goodness, I love it so much. The first month back into it was rough, but now they are flying and it is fun to see them enjoy learning.
Dear friends and family who loves our crazy boys as much as we do.
Watching the older 3 with t. They don't treat him like a baby, but the "new" still hasn't worn off. I'm amazed at them. They just think he's the greatest and they include and play with him so well. I'm thankful for what they have and will learn from each other.
I'm thankful for great health and working machines that help me with house work, and for the blessing of staying home each day. Speaking of, I better get to that house work. :)
Just taking a minute to count a few blessings. Now I think I'll go enjoy them. :)
My husband and boys who are an absolute dream come true. Each one is more precious than I ever imagined.
A house that is far above what I deserve, and the creativity (straight from God because I have none!) to make it "new" again.
The fact that t is still on the small side since we are going to be in this 2 story house a bit longer. If he was the size S was I'd go crazy lugging him up and down those stairs! If I had a choice I'd rather him grow faster, of course, but I'm looking for some silver lining to these clouds.
Hearing t learn new words almost everyday! He's slow with some things, but man God sure has given him amazing music and verbal ability! Today he knows and says his name when you ask him. This is right after the adorable "Hey dude" and "I know". :)
Going next week for t's evaluation for free in home therapy. So thankful and excited to see what progress awaits!
The privilege and joy of teaching T & B. Oh my goodness, I love it so much. The first month back into it was rough, but now they are flying and it is fun to see them enjoy learning.
Dear friends and family who loves our crazy boys as much as we do.
Watching the older 3 with t. They don't treat him like a baby, but the "new" still hasn't worn off. I'm amazed at them. They just think he's the greatest and they include and play with him so well. I'm thankful for what they have and will learn from each other.
I'm thankful for great health and working machines that help me with house work, and for the blessing of staying home each day. Speaking of, I better get to that house work. :)
Just taking a minute to count a few blessings. Now I think I'll go enjoy them. :)
Friday, September 3, 2010
Cactus Flowers
It's been another rough couple of days with t. Thankfully this time it's only something very minor, but you know me... my mind races. Anyway, a few minutes ago I decided to take my mind off of things for a while and play with some photos. I came across a few pictures of cactus flowers we encountered a couple of months ago on a picnic. They are nondescript and I really hadn't given them a second thought until today. It's amazing how God uses big moments in our lives to help us to see simple things. As I was adjusting color on this photo I was pondering how interesting it is that God put flowers on cactus plants. Here is this somewhat ugly plant with prickly spines all over it and then a pretty pink flower at the top. Why would He do that. One side of me thinks it doesn't matter and God doesn't need a reason for what He does. But the other side of me thinks, no, knows He has a reason for everything. Maybe the reason for cactus flowers is just to remind us (me) that life is like those little plants. It is colorful and interesting. Parts of it are ugly, confusing and painful. Yet in the midst of the ugly, confusing and painful comes this beautiful, delicate flower. Wow. Even as I'm typing this I'm reminded that cactus plants store water in them to survive the terrain they were created in. Another example to me of how life should be. Store up God’s living water (His Word) inside me and I will be able to survive no matter where He plants me. And just like a little cactus flower, even though the reason for it's creation is a bit vague at times, God created you and me for a reason. He does nothing on a whim. That reason isn't to make us happy, or even feel fulfilled. It isn't to make us see how wonderful He is by blessing our socks off. It is to praise and glorify Him whether we look like a rose or a cactus flower. And by the way, roses have thorns too! Hmm, maybe God is trying to tell us something...! When you have a day or week or year that makes you wonder about God's goodness or character, and it looks like the only thing around you are the prickly spines, keep a look out for that flower.
Cactus Flowers
It's been another rough couple of days with t. Thankfully this time it's only something very minor, but you know me... my mind races. Anyway, a few minutes ago I decided to take my mind off of things for a while and play with some photos. I came across a few pictures of cactus flowers we encountered a couple of months ago on a picnic. They are nondescript and I really hadn't given them a second thought until today. It's amazing how God uses big moments in our lives to help us to see simple things. As I was adjusting color on this photo I was pondering how interesting it is that God put flowers on cactus plants. Here is this somewhat ugly plant with prickly spines all over it and then a pretty pink flower at the top. Why would He do that. One side of me thinks it doesn't matter and God doesn't need a reason for what He does. But the other side of me thinks, no, knows He has a reason for everything. Maybe the reason for cactus flowers is just to remind us (me) that life is like those little plants. It is colorful and interesting. Parts of it are ugly, confusing and painful. Yet in the midst of the ugly, confusing and painful comes this beautiful, delicate flower. Wow. Even as I'm typing this I'm reminded that cactus plants store water in them to survive the terrain they were created in. Another example to me of how life should be. Store up God’s living water (His Word) inside me and I will be able to survive no matter where He plants me. And just like a little cactus flower, even though the reason for it's creation is a bit vague at times, God created you and me for a reason. He does nothing on a whim. That reason isn't to make us happy, or even feel fulfilled. It isn't to make us see how wonderful He is by blessing our socks off. It is to praise and glorify Him whether we look like a rose or a cactus flower. And by the way, roses have thorns too! Hmm, maybe God is trying to tell us something...! When you have a day or week or year that makes you wonder about God's goodness or character, and it looks like the only thing around you are the prickly spines, keep a look out for that flower.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Precious Moments
So many sweet things happen everyday that I don't have time to share on here. I wish I did have time, but then again the sweet little people who make these moments precious keep me pretty busy!
S has been saying lately as he wraps his arms around me, "You're my sweet girl." I love it! It melts my heart every time.
The best thing that has happened lately is B became a Christian last week and was baptized last night! Highlights of my life. There is just nothing better than knowing your children love and trust the One who created them. I pray that faith holds strong through all the bumps life will bring.
As the boys were eating lunch they were discussing how Jesus talks to us when He's in our hearts. T said, "Jesus talks in peace." I absolutely love that. Such a pure truth from someone so young.
As I was thinking about that and about how proud I am of him for listening when God speaks those truths to him, I thought about how we as parents want our children to always make the right choices and say the right things in front of others because it's a reflection of us. Isn't that the case with our Heavenly Father? God is teaching and training us to do things that make others realize and say, "Yep, that's God's child right there! Acts just like Him!"
So thankful for these simple lessons God teaches me, and for these precious moments in life.
S has been saying lately as he wraps his arms around me, "You're my sweet girl." I love it! It melts my heart every time.
The best thing that has happened lately is B became a Christian last week and was baptized last night! Highlights of my life. There is just nothing better than knowing your children love and trust the One who created them. I pray that faith holds strong through all the bumps life will bring.
As the boys were eating lunch they were discussing how Jesus talks to us when He's in our hearts. T said, "Jesus talks in peace." I absolutely love that. Such a pure truth from someone so young.
As I was thinking about that and about how proud I am of him for listening when God speaks those truths to him, I thought about how we as parents want our children to always make the right choices and say the right things in front of others because it's a reflection of us. Isn't that the case with our Heavenly Father? God is teaching and training us to do things that make others realize and say, "Yep, that's God's child right there! Acts just like Him!"
So thankful for these simple lessons God teaches me, and for these precious moments in life.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A Gift
I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now, but just haven’t found the few minutes to do it. Right now, I’m blessed to have a little one playing quietly and 3 not so little ones playing with their dog outside. There is just something about watching boys play with a dog that makes you smile. I love those precious boys. They make even the crazy days worth it.
Life has been undeservedly good lately. I think that is partly due to the fact that we have just about all the answers we’ll ever get to what is going on with little T and partly because we have grown accustomed to this new normal. There is always that little tug on my heart that secretly and ever so slightly wishes that my 4 boys were all walking and eating regular food and able to sit on their own to play, but I suppose I’ve learned that the little tug will most likely be with me forever. The amazing thing is, although it brings with it a wistful sadness, it also serves as a constant reminder to be overwhelmingly thankful that I have my little T and his brothers to watch, and hold and hear every day. If the last year and a half has taught me anything it is to be thankful for each minute.
To people who do not have a special needs child, what I’m about to say may seem just ludicrous, but bear with me. Whether it makes sense or not, this is what I’ve been thinking about.
Sometimes I honestly feel sorry for people who do not have a special needs child. God has opened my eyes through T to things that I can hardly put into words. Simply put, he’s taught me to prioritize, realize that small problems really are small, big problems CAN be trusted with God, that each smile or sparkle in every person’s eye is a miracle and not to be taken for granted. Yes, I know that everyone who does not have a special needs person in their life can know these things, but I’m fairly certain that T has brought an immeasurable depth to it that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. He has brought joy to me in ways I never imagined. Let me explain.
The other day I was at Walmart enjoying a pedicure (yes we live in a small town…) and saw something I would have missed completely 2 years ago. As I sat there another lady was getting her nail repaired. Her (I assume) husband and grown son were with her. Her son was in a wheelchair and had obvious disabilities. The husband was taking him outside and as he did so the son slightly turned and, as much as he could, waved and smiled at his mother. It was a priceless moment that most miss because as soon as we see a disabled child we automatically stare for a second and then avoid eye contact. I know that is not out of rudeness, just the simple fact that we don’t know what to say or do. And rather than offend them by doing the wrong thing, we do nothing. T has taught me it’s ok to look at them. Even more than that, it’s ok to SEE them. To take that minute to discover who they are – to realize they ARE someone. Someone unlike anyone God has ever before or after created. A person who has likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows that are missed unless time is taken to know them.
I spent the first few months of T’s life screaming at God in anger over creating people with disabilities. How could He do that?! Why would He purposefully do that when He could make them “whole”?! Now I find myself drawn to them, wanting to talk to them and get to know who they are. What a selfish person I have been for 30 years. Only thinking of my comfort and happiness and trying my hardest to make life what I wanted it to be. Thank You, God, for shaking my world so hard that I crumbled and for picking up each tiny piece and putting me back together in a new way. It was and is worth it. I still don’t like some days. I don’t like that my almost 15 mo. old son can’t sit or see or walk or eat, and that I don’t know when he ever will. I don’t like that life isn’t as easy as it could be and once was. But it is worth it to see the amazing person God created in T develop and grow - ever so slowly. It is worth it because I am finally seeing the gift T’s “specialness” is. It is just like his cute little glasses. They aren’t always comfortable, but they enable him to see clearer. That is my T.
I wish everyone could experience this gift. I don’t want everyone to know the hard times or sorrow, but I do so wish everyone could know the amazing experience of seeing God’s creation through these “special glasses”. I have always had that soft little place in my heart for special needs children. Always thought they were sweet gifts, but never before saw the true brilliant beauty in them. I also never really saw the parents, specifically the mothers. Now I do. Just as those who have been in combat together have a special connection because no one else really knows what it is like, that’s the way I feel with other “special moms.” Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, you just smile and know someone else knows. You’re not alone. There are other moms out there who’s hearts are breaking with hurt and bursting with joy at the same time with the knowledge that their child isn’t like most.
I am thankful God created T just as He did physically and that his little fun-loving personality is emerging. I am thankful God created big T to be a black and white kind of kid, B to be soft hearted and helpful, and S to be the funniest person I’ve ever known. I’m thankful for the amazing joy and purpose they bring to my life.
It takes many different pieces sewn together to make up a quilt. A quilt can be seen as heavy and cumbersome or beautiful and useful. I pray I will see God’s gifts – all of them, not just my children – as beautiful and useful. I pray I will learn to more quickly see the “quilt” as more than just a lot of torn pieces, but as a beautiful work of art.
And on a silly note… Last night we had oven baked breaded fish. Something I bought thinking it’ll be an easy dinner. Well it was, but it was also lacking that nice fish flakiness. As we sat there and ate, S looked up and said, “This fish is weird!” LOL I couldn’t agree more!! Won’t be buying that again!
Life has been undeservedly good lately. I think that is partly due to the fact that we have just about all the answers we’ll ever get to what is going on with little T and partly because we have grown accustomed to this new normal. There is always that little tug on my heart that secretly and ever so slightly wishes that my 4 boys were all walking and eating regular food and able to sit on their own to play, but I suppose I’ve learned that the little tug will most likely be with me forever. The amazing thing is, although it brings with it a wistful sadness, it also serves as a constant reminder to be overwhelmingly thankful that I have my little T and his brothers to watch, and hold and hear every day. If the last year and a half has taught me anything it is to be thankful for each minute.
To people who do not have a special needs child, what I’m about to say may seem just ludicrous, but bear with me. Whether it makes sense or not, this is what I’ve been thinking about.
Sometimes I honestly feel sorry for people who do not have a special needs child. God has opened my eyes through T to things that I can hardly put into words. Simply put, he’s taught me to prioritize, realize that small problems really are small, big problems CAN be trusted with God, that each smile or sparkle in every person’s eye is a miracle and not to be taken for granted. Yes, I know that everyone who does not have a special needs person in their life can know these things, but I’m fairly certain that T has brought an immeasurable depth to it that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. He has brought joy to me in ways I never imagined. Let me explain.
The other day I was at Walmart enjoying a pedicure (yes we live in a small town…) and saw something I would have missed completely 2 years ago. As I sat there another lady was getting her nail repaired. Her (I assume) husband and grown son were with her. Her son was in a wheelchair and had obvious disabilities. The husband was taking him outside and as he did so the son slightly turned and, as much as he could, waved and smiled at his mother. It was a priceless moment that most miss because as soon as we see a disabled child we automatically stare for a second and then avoid eye contact. I know that is not out of rudeness, just the simple fact that we don’t know what to say or do. And rather than offend them by doing the wrong thing, we do nothing. T has taught me it’s ok to look at them. Even more than that, it’s ok to SEE them. To take that minute to discover who they are – to realize they ARE someone. Someone unlike anyone God has ever before or after created. A person who has likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows that are missed unless time is taken to know them.
I spent the first few months of T’s life screaming at God in anger over creating people with disabilities. How could He do that?! Why would He purposefully do that when He could make them “whole”?! Now I find myself drawn to them, wanting to talk to them and get to know who they are. What a selfish person I have been for 30 years. Only thinking of my comfort and happiness and trying my hardest to make life what I wanted it to be. Thank You, God, for shaking my world so hard that I crumbled and for picking up each tiny piece and putting me back together in a new way. It was and is worth it. I still don’t like some days. I don’t like that my almost 15 mo. old son can’t sit or see or walk or eat, and that I don’t know when he ever will. I don’t like that life isn’t as easy as it could be and once was. But it is worth it to see the amazing person God created in T develop and grow - ever so slowly. It is worth it because I am finally seeing the gift T’s “specialness” is. It is just like his cute little glasses. They aren’t always comfortable, but they enable him to see clearer. That is my T.
I wish everyone could experience this gift. I don’t want everyone to know the hard times or sorrow, but I do so wish everyone could know the amazing experience of seeing God’s creation through these “special glasses”. I have always had that soft little place in my heart for special needs children. Always thought they were sweet gifts, but never before saw the true brilliant beauty in them. I also never really saw the parents, specifically the mothers. Now I do. Just as those who have been in combat together have a special connection because no one else really knows what it is like, that’s the way I feel with other “special moms.” Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, you just smile and know someone else knows. You’re not alone. There are other moms out there who’s hearts are breaking with hurt and bursting with joy at the same time with the knowledge that their child isn’t like most.
I am thankful God created T just as He did physically and that his little fun-loving personality is emerging. I am thankful God created big T to be a black and white kind of kid, B to be soft hearted and helpful, and S to be the funniest person I’ve ever known. I’m thankful for the amazing joy and purpose they bring to my life.
It takes many different pieces sewn together to make up a quilt. A quilt can be seen as heavy and cumbersome or beautiful and useful. I pray I will see God’s gifts – all of them, not just my children – as beautiful and useful. I pray I will learn to more quickly see the “quilt” as more than just a lot of torn pieces, but as a beautiful work of art.
And on a silly note… Last night we had oven baked breaded fish. Something I bought thinking it’ll be an easy dinner. Well it was, but it was also lacking that nice fish flakiness. As we sat there and ate, S looked up and said, “This fish is weird!” LOL I couldn’t agree more!! Won’t be buying that again!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So much to think about.... Am I thinking too much?
Yay! Summer break is here and I actually have time to update again! I've been thinking about a great many things lately, but I won't bore you with all of them.... Just a few. ;)
God has put on my heart to begin a ministry for Moms of special needs kids. There is so much we go through that no one else could ever understand and it would just be nice to visit and share with those who truly understand. That said, the "what" of what God wants me to do is the easy part. The "how" is about to drive me crazy. Rather than go into details I'm mulling over, the simple matter I'm wrestling with is this: Is it faith or impatience to just do before hearing clearly from God on the "how"?? Am I not hearing because I haven't taken that step of faith, or is He developing patience by allowing me to wait to hear the next step? I am at a complete loss. I know what I'm supposed to do, so should I just do it the way I think it should be done, the way the makes sense? Or do I wait to hear details? Ahhh!!!
Somewhat on the same page as that is the fact that I can't figure out my prayers life at all. I've been completely convicted that prayer is not asking God for things (I know we learn that even in preschool, but really... as adults don't we do that all the time?) My prayer life is the most fulfilling and joyful when I just talk with the Lord about everything going on, not ask Him for answers. But then I come up against the fact that we do have needs in this life, and there is no one on earth who can meet those other than the Lord so I must ask. But how do I ask without silently demanding answers? I have learned that God is not most glorified in answering our prayers (by that I mean the answer we're looking for - He always answers!) He gets just as much, maybe more, glory from someone saying, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GOD but I still love and trust you", as He does when someone says, "God answered this huge prayer of mine...!" Even in saying that though, I long for a few answers. I want to say that I neeeeed a few answers, but I know that if I really needed them now, then God would have already given them.
Maybe you're reading this saying, "Um hello? The answer is simple. Just trust! He will work it out..." I know that to be true, and you may think me horrible to say this, but my first honest reaction right now is, "Whatever!!!!! I'm sick of the right answer! I want the real answer!" I'm coming to the realization that what I think I need/want isn't want I need. Duh! I know. Just as a parent can't explain all the why's when a child needs painful medical attention to help them, God isn't giving me the answers to my why's right now. He's just doing what He knows is best. I read somewhere that just as it's much more enjoyable for a parent to give something fun to their child rather than something painful, it's the same for God. He's hurting with me as He's doing what is needed right now. He's longing to give me the "fun" blessings of life, but evidently right now that would be more of a hurt than a help in the long run.
I have no idea if anyone at all will read this, but I have to say I'm thankful for this blog even if it's just for me. Each time I pour it out on here it makes me really think things through to an end rather than a circle. It's strange but it's almost like my two way message system with God. As I type out my heart, He quietly calms me. Funny. He created me! He knows better than anyone that I'm better "on paper" than I am talking, and He uses that avenue to meet me. What an indescribable God we truly have!!
Well, after all this babbling I still don't have answers. But I do have more of a peace that whether it hurts or not, God IS at work in my life and I CAN trust that He knows what I need more than I do. There is no promise that the days ahead will get easier. They may even get harder. But there is the promise that my Savior is going with, behind, and before me the whole way. And that IS enough.
God has put on my heart to begin a ministry for Moms of special needs kids. There is so much we go through that no one else could ever understand and it would just be nice to visit and share with those who truly understand. That said, the "what" of what God wants me to do is the easy part. The "how" is about to drive me crazy. Rather than go into details I'm mulling over, the simple matter I'm wrestling with is this: Is it faith or impatience to just do before hearing clearly from God on the "how"?? Am I not hearing because I haven't taken that step of faith, or is He developing patience by allowing me to wait to hear the next step? I am at a complete loss. I know what I'm supposed to do, so should I just do it the way I think it should be done, the way the makes sense? Or do I wait to hear details? Ahhh!!!
Somewhat on the same page as that is the fact that I can't figure out my prayers life at all. I've been completely convicted that prayer is not asking God for things (I know we learn that even in preschool, but really... as adults don't we do that all the time?) My prayer life is the most fulfilling and joyful when I just talk with the Lord about everything going on, not ask Him for answers. But then I come up against the fact that we do have needs in this life, and there is no one on earth who can meet those other than the Lord so I must ask. But how do I ask without silently demanding answers? I have learned that God is not most glorified in answering our prayers (by that I mean the answer we're looking for - He always answers!) He gets just as much, maybe more, glory from someone saying, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS GOD but I still love and trust you", as He does when someone says, "God answered this huge prayer of mine...!" Even in saying that though, I long for a few answers. I want to say that I neeeeed a few answers, but I know that if I really needed them now, then God would have already given them.
Maybe you're reading this saying, "Um hello? The answer is simple. Just trust! He will work it out..." I know that to be true, and you may think me horrible to say this, but my first honest reaction right now is, "Whatever!!!!! I'm sick of the right answer! I want the real answer!" I'm coming to the realization that what I think I need/want isn't want I need. Duh! I know. Just as a parent can't explain all the why's when a child needs painful medical attention to help them, God isn't giving me the answers to my why's right now. He's just doing what He knows is best. I read somewhere that just as it's much more enjoyable for a parent to give something fun to their child rather than something painful, it's the same for God. He's hurting with me as He's doing what is needed right now. He's longing to give me the "fun" blessings of life, but evidently right now that would be more of a hurt than a help in the long run.
I have no idea if anyone at all will read this, but I have to say I'm thankful for this blog even if it's just for me. Each time I pour it out on here it makes me really think things through to an end rather than a circle. It's strange but it's almost like my two way message system with God. As I type out my heart, He quietly calms me. Funny. He created me! He knows better than anyone that I'm better "on paper" than I am talking, and He uses that avenue to meet me. What an indescribable God we truly have!!
Well, after all this babbling I still don't have answers. But I do have more of a peace that whether it hurts or not, God IS at work in my life and I CAN trust that He knows what I need more than I do. There is no promise that the days ahead will get easier. They may even get harder. But there is the promise that my Savior is going with, behind, and before me the whole way. And that IS enough.
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